Decisions & Consequences
What to do when you are faced with opportunities
Like a lot of people I know, I’m indecisive. You might be indecisive, too. That might be because you know that each decision you make has a consequence and so hold back on making any decision at all. Maybe you think that you can’t make decisions and that the powers that control your destiny so there is no point in taking action. I don’t know. I like to guess what my audience is thinking and say silly things to get your attention. Maybe that way you feel connected to me, or maybe that way I can feel vulnerable and real here.
Also, I just don’t like speaking about myself. I don’t like it; it feels selfish. Plus, I’m intrinsically cynical, so I don’t actually believe that people want to hear about what I have to say, and I assume nobody cares. So, I abstract moments in my life, paint some analogies and hope that you guys feel what I am writing. The girl I’m dating says I’m very abstract, and I think that comes with its curse, but it also comes with its blessing.
I’ll try and be more down to earth to see if this helps me connect more. The case here is that I have two opportunities in front of me. In one of them I would change my whole career path, and in the other I wouldn’t but would give it another crack at a different company. I didn’t know anything about the game I was coming into when I first started but now, I’m a little wiser and worth a little more so I’m grateful that I even have the opportunities I do today.
The point is that I have absolutely no clue which one to choose. But then I ask myself, and this might be a good question to ask yourself when you are going through changes – does it even matter? I’m assuming I have a choice, but I haven’t even had offers, theirs literally just two final stage interviews. I want to dream how I want things to go, but reality is that I have no clue how things are going to go. I just must work as hard as I can and communicate as best as I can what my skills are.
I have a very blase approach to life now and I think it’s separated me a lot from people around me but also allowed me to be closer to them. I really don’t mind what happens because I have always been happy and I’ve always made it out so I’m not sure what the point is in worrying and delaying things that I would like to do. There is no point in saying no to opportunities before ever exploring them.
There is also no benefit in saying yes to opportunities just because. I want to think about the steps that I’m taking and how to be able to manifest in the future I want. When I say yes to something I am saying no to something else and it’s important that I don’t just run around doing activities that I’m not planning to do long term and being with people that I’m not planning to be with long term.
My decisions are more forward thinking now and hopeful. I like writing and I can see myself doing it long term, and as for my career who knows, I’m not worried.
When I was in university all those years ago, I used to sit in my room and write incessantly. I wrote poetry which connected religion with the real world, stories to try and dissect my trauma, maxims which I wanted to copy from Nietzsche’s aphorisms. I like the shortness of writing because it came across as direct. I haven’t done that in a while, and I miss the feeling of inspiration coming to me and writing about stuff I love.
My writing is much more personal now and much less abstract, but I’ll write out some stuff in the old style I used to write so that you guys can get a taste.
Poetry
I saw an ancient chinese dragon in Aldi
He flew around the isles and picked what he desired
Scanned his pomegranates and flew out into the wind
Maxim
There are some people who delight in their own mistakes, and make more, to be able to have conversational topics. You can tell these people exist by the ease with which they float their mistakes into a conversation and fake embarrassment they take.
That’s pretty much the style of stuff I used to write. The poetry was for creativities sake. You could say it was rebellious and anti-religious, but I honestly saw it more as Neo-Platonism and trying to see the God in people. It was hopeful for me.
The maxims are in the style of Baltasar Gracian’s writing and Nietzsche. I really liked the idea of short form content and quick hits in writing. Their style was punchy and exciting, also deeply observant and omniscient. They could capture granular parts of the human soul and human interaction very well.
Most of the maxims they wrote were supposed to be for the worldly man and have some practical application. And they do. They can make you aware of the world around you and of things you might not have seen. Plus is that Baltasar is Hispanic, so I trust him, being Hispanic myself ha-ha.
I wrote a lot then and to go back to my point about decisions, I made some bad decisions at that time. I chased the jobs that I thought I could get and never explored further or looked for opportunities. I just accepted what was around and what I could get. The best decision you can make is to choose yourself. To aim higher and to take risks with what you can achieve, as best as you know how. I decided to pursue acting and modelling, despite not liking acting and modelling. I chased jobs in warehouses, despite very easily being able to land a corporate role or exploring other avenues.
I could’ve posted my writing online, but I was terrified for no reason and made YouTube videos about silly things and was awkward as a giraffe trying to be a lion. It was a strange time in my life.
If you are 21 and you are reading this, I completely understand how you are feeling. It is heavy. I remember walking around feeling like I had nowhere to go. I remember being unclear about every single step and being shy and keeping people around me, I shouldn’t have kept. I took advice from people who saw my weakness and wanted to use me for their good but never for mine.
The years were rough and I made so many mistakes and so many silly decisions, especially with money and with my relationships but one thing I always kept was passion. I kept trusting that the decisions I made would lead me higher and that everything would make sense looking back.
Now, everything does make sense. Every loss led to another win. When I lost my girlfriend, I learned what was necessary for the next one. When I lost my job, I learned what was necessary for the next one. I lost money and had to learn what really mattered to me.
It’s not easy when you’ve not been told how to make decisions or which ones are good for you. I grew up without that around me, and I had to take each step myself and just hope it was the right one. Alot of people I speak to grew up without a parent, or without both, without support.
Don’t let people employ you who don’t have the best interests. Don’t give your time to people just because they seem like the figure you needed to guide you. Make sure that they are really on your side. You will have something that will make you want to because you want to be believed in but you can’t trust everyone. Follow your path and what you want to do. If you don’t know what that is, speak to people about what they do and try to see which path you feel would suit you best.
This is your life and not me or anyone can tell you which vehicle to purchase and how much fuel you will need to get to your destination. That’s something you’ll have to make decisions about.
Alot of the decisions I made were horrific. I’ve signed up to about 3 MLM schemes and tried to make them work. But they just don’t. I’ve joined an actual cult. Sometimes the community seems nice. But they don’t have any money to give you too good to give you. I’ll write about it all at a later time for you guys to walk with me through, but the point is that i understand. I’ve done some weird things to try to heal and get right with myself.
When I’ve made a bad decision, I just try to keep going. I feel the loss; I feel the pain and how silly it was. I feel embarrassed because most of the time a lot of people have seen it. But I still move forward because at least I tried, and sometimes I make the same mistake over and over again because I’m so hardheaded. But I’m learning.
Mario